It changed me.

I read some social media post about a mother who was free spirited and happy. I thought, "It's easier to be happy and free spirited when your children are healthy."

I wondered why it stung me so. It wasn't to me or about me. But I felt judged by it anyway. That I take things too seriously, that I am too cautious.

I do have a sense of humor - my friends can attest to that - but no, free-spirited is certainly not how I'd be described. Perhaps they wouldn't even describe me as overly happy, although I am most of the time.

I used to be more free. I used to do things like procrastinate and do things spur of the moment and, well, not cry so much.

But the seizures...they have changed me. As I have watched my boy grow from a silly little jokester, taking all the risks, into a much more serious, guarded adolescent, I have made a similar transformation. It is a change wrought from the need to survive, and not worry so much about the thrive part. I feel as though it's been a necessary change, to protect both him and me.

I don't know if those who knew me before and after my son's epilepsy have noticed the change. But I do, and it makes me a little bit sad.