Make me feel better.

I had high hopes this morning. Sort of. Ok, medium hopes. But hope is a bitch...


My son was doing pretty well this morning. I dropped him off at school. I teared up as he walked out of sight, away from my car in the drop-off lane. I worried he'd have a seizure. But he seemed ok, so I made my way to work.  A couple of hours later, the school nurse assistant called. He was having lots of twitches, felt like he'd seize any minute, and wanted to come home.

It was a monumentally busy day at work, so I brought him to the office with me. We stopped by home for 10mg of Versed first. It seemed to keep the seizures at bay, though he still had a few twitches.  But it's hard trying to get a pile of work done with an 11 year old boy around. He was pretty good, considering.

On our drive home, I was just drained. He wanted to listen to this band he likes, Skillet. It was making my head hurt worse - they sound like they are screaming, to me. I told him I wanted something soothing. So he chose a somewhat softer song of theirs, with the preface that "it makes me kind of emotional." It's about faith (he believes in God, I do not), but he thinks of this song in terms of his epilepsy:

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

It made me emotional too, and a few tears escaped. I don't want him to feel like this tomorrow, either. And I wish, oh how I wish with everything that is in me, that I could make him feel better. 

But this is a giant gaping wound that I just don't have band-aids big enough to cover.